neflyte

Storage Jars

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 01:04:47 GMT

It's wonderful to know that a particular person has the ability to handle the emotion associated with an event in a efficient manner. I, however, am one of those people not blessed with this highly-desired skill. It takes me a long period of time to handle any emotional turmoil at all. Mind you, I do it in my own way and use every resource that I have. What bothers me is the fact that I cannot be left to work through these things on my own. There must be something constantly nipping at my heels; dragging me back to all the things I wish to leave behind.

I want it to stop.

I'm not confident that I can continue in my life with the past bringing itself up in the ways which it has of late. All I can do is ignore it. Any attempt to confront what is holding me back with a physical response would only serve to aggravate the situation.

I want to forget the past. I will remember those things that are important to me, however I want to leave what has happened behind me and move forward with little to none of it.

I simply wish that my request would be honoured.

I wish you would stop hurting me.

Catching Up

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 03:16:32 GMT

The new journal system is very much near completion. So much so that I have deployed it to the main site and opened it up for all to see. Click here to have a look.

Lately I've been doing whatever I want. If that means staying in to work on my own side projects, then thats what I'm doing. I've gotten a lot of work finally finished on my journal system as well as my servers in general. These tasks have been put off more times than I can count, so i'm very happy to have them almost completed.

Justin has gotten me into Neverwinter Nights 2. We play a LAN game (with Tom) whenever I can cart my PC over to his house for a night. I wish it ran on my laptop, since it's much easier to carry over there. However, after I pick up a few computer accessories (wire ties and such), it won't be quite the burden to travel out there to play. I like the gameplay, but i'm still not fully into it. My exposure to general D&D is limited, so i'm still trying to understand how the whole system works. I think if I can get myself in on a real tabletop game that I might pick up most of the knowledge I'm missing.

My cooking skills are coming along nicely. I've settled into a "stir fry" phase where I simply fry random veggies and meats together with various sauces and spices in an attempt to make some wholesome meals. Note to self: get an apron.

I find that I'm having a lot of fun with my coworkers. We go to the pub once every week or two; sometimes many times per week. A few days ago, a bunch of us went bowling. That was super fun. We even got a couple people out from development, which was nice. The next major event for work is Dec.15 for the christmas party. I'm told it will be a night to remember, and from the stories I've heard it very well should be.

Justin's next cocktail party is this coming Friday, which means I must to get my formal wear dry cleaned this week. I won't be able to spin at this even due to lack of space for my equipment, but i'll arrange a couple of my mixes on my iPod and just set it up to play.

Perhaps I'll update after that. :)

Soundtrack

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:37:43 GMT

(okay...i'll bite.)

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button

Opening Credits | Silicon Scally - Chrome Introduction [SCSI-AV]
Waking Up | Corey Hart - Sunglasses At Night
First Day At School | Underworld - Stagger [JBO]
Falling In Love | Baby Ford & the Ifach Collective - The Healing [Klangwerk]
Fight Song | Etienne de Crecy - Intronection
Breaking Up | The Future Sound of London - Interstat
Prom | Makoto - Introduction (ft. MC Conrad) [Good Looking]
Life's OK | Soft Cell - Tainted Love
Secret Love | Sloan - Money City Maniacs
Mental Breakdown | Pete Namlook & Klaus Schulze - The Evolution of DSOTM III-3
Driving | A Positive Live - Bathdub [Waveform]
Flashback | Atha - Europa Thaws
Getting Back Together | Marumari - Rocket Summer [Carpark]
Wedding | Shpongle - Outer Shpongolia [Twisted]
Birth of Child | Modeselektor - Ziq Zaq [BPitch Control]
Final Battle | Alexander Kowalski - Sequential [Kanzleramt]
Death Scene | Wagon Christ - Cris Chana [Ninja Tune]
Funeral Song | Cutting Crew - (I Just) Died In Your Arms
End Credits | Joey Beltram - The Money [Moonshine]

Some very interesting selections came out of this. If only I could say that iTunes' shuffle algorithm actually knew what kind of music it was picking. Sadly, this is simply the randomness of nature. I would definitely recommend most if not all of these tracks to anyone wanting to hear more of whats out there.

On a different note, the new and improved journal system is very much near completion. I've overcome the debilitating design hurdles I encountered a couple months ago and am not on a straight shot to being finished. Just in time for me to have found the next language I'll port it to...Smalltalk :)

Vulnerability

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 17:38:39 GMT

Yesterday I felt vulnerable. I don't remember the last time I had that feeling. Actually, I'm not entirely sure I've ever felt it quite that way. I did something yesterday that I've not done before; at least not on my own. I went out and met a total stranger. Well, maybe not completely strange but still someone new. I've never put myself out there like that before. I was vulnerable. She could have said or done anything and I would have to take it. I suppose if it will get me to where I'd like to be, then I'll tolerate it.

I only realized how I felt when I went grocery shopping later that day. Maybe this is just a side-effect of what has happened with my life recently. Things are getting better, slowly, despite my wish to have it all over and done with. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy or as happy as I can be from time-to-time. I'm simply not as happy as I used to be and certainly not as often. I'm hoping that meeting some new people might change that for the better.

I still find myself looking for it. The "it" which I have been told countless times never to look for. I'm not entirely sure how I stopped looking for it enough to find me last time and I wish I could know for certain. What I really don't want out of all this is to become married to my work. I'll never get out of that spiral. The only reason I stay at work as long as I do now is because I rarely have any evening plans. I hoping these new people will change that at the very least.

Perhaps I will find someone to take that cruise with by the end of next year.